I wrote Finding Place a few weeks ago. I have felt a lot of change in these past few weeks. In this time: I have met someone, ended whatever it was with that someone, I have planned a bachelorette for my best friend, realized that all my friends here are wed or to-be-wed, become content with being 30 and single, found a deeper connection to my photography, and most importantly, I have discovered home - at HOME! How odd. I spent 6 years gone, only to return. I am so excited to get re-involved in my life here. Re-discover my place. Me, in my hometown. They say you can't go home again. I say, whoever 'they' are - they were wrong.

I am wandering, aimless in this life: a freeloader, living off of generous hands. I did not see this coming. I saw my dreams start unfold before my eyes, at the tips of my fingers... those dreams are gone, done, dissipated into oblivion. At least that's how it feels. A friend recently invited me to live with her, for a year in Cambodia. A part of me yearns for newness, for a place to be inspired. The other part craves stability, home and lifelong friendships. I left NYC in June with the intentions of an imminent return. It was not so. I am torn between two worlds right now...

I once lived in NYC, actually twice. And in those months, it stole my heart. I braved the summer and the winter. Braved the spring, but not the fall. I learned compassion, in a whole new way, I learned to see and breathe and sing...photographing all the beauty, the people and the place - I found a home. I fell in love and broke my heart. I skated round the pond in Bryant Park.

I conversed with a New Yorker friend online today. She spoke of being a quitter and hopes that in not quitting her most current endeavor that in the, end her experience, it will in turn, be fruitful Her revelation reminded me, that I too, am a quitter (have been a quitter). I fight with my desire to quit everyday. I know what it is.

More than goodbye, I hate to be vulnerable - exposed for the entire world to see. Intimacy is excruciating. I was thinking today as I looked down at a small sketch (I once drew) - I was startled by it, startled that it looked like something, that it was art. I think of myself as an artist in one form. I am a photographer. I get confused by it sometimes, and often wonder why I have no other, artistic tendencies. When I saw my sketch, I remembered the vulnerable moment I drew it in ... It's rare, those moments happen. But, It made me think of all that I could accomplish, if only I allowed them to happen.

I think, its there that NYC pulls at my heartstrings because far from home: I have to be vulnerable.

I have started a tumblr, most of my posts have been happening over there. I have actually been writing a lot over the last few years, tucking it away into the heart of my computer, never to be read. So I have decided, to clip samplings and put them out there for people to (hopefully) enjoy. That's whats going on, on my tumblr.

the personal files (excerpt, spring '08)

Photography snuck up on me, it picked me. It came so swiftly; there was no chance of denial. My talent became affirmed over and over. Almost like it wanted to teach me to believe again. I can see now, affirmation is my love language. When people tell me “Sherri, you can do it!” – That’s when I see it, feel it for certain in my heart that I really can. The night I was to leave, He and I, we sat upon his rooftop and we dined under the stars, talking for hours. It was bittersweet; I felt for the first time, he was vulnerable with me. The initial “obnoxious” guy was gone and we were two people who needed to talk, be with someone who cared enough to listen. As much as I needed someone to believe in me, he needed someone to care about him, for exactly who he was and not who people perceived him to be.

When I was in NY, I found the perfect camera bag, but couldnt buy it at the time. I kept thinking about it and found it online. It's made by a designer who specializes in fashionable camera bags for woman. I am very excited. It's on my save-up-for, wish list! It's so pretty (and practical).

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. Jeremiah 29:11-14

There is something so sweet about homecomings. I am in Canada right now, visiting and being loved on by my amazing friends. I feel so blessed right now, so encouraged.

My photo nap time was recently selected for the seventh edition of the Schmap New York Guide. Check it out!

The present is clear, I can see the stars tonight as I think about all that I have, the blessings in my life. It's actually hard to believe, this is me, this is my life. Though my future is hazy (in that cloudy, who-knows-what-is-next sort of way)I have a good feeling about it. Sure, my future might be full of struggles, but what is life without trials. Those of you who know me, know I am a dreamer, so the future in all its haze is a little bit confusing. I always have a plan, I always know whats next. It's scary you know, living like this - in the present, its really hard. And even though it's going alright, I am not yet convinced, that I am good at it. But I a leaping, one leap at a time. I am sick right now, maybe that's what is making me so sentimental. Three and half days on the couch will do that to someone. I so wanted to go out today, but this flu sure knocked me out. I am recovering for sure, but I just don't have the strength yet, to meander out, into the big bad world. I just spent a week in upstate new york - a week of prayer. I was away with Inter-Varsity: My friend works with this incredible ministry that reaches out to college kids. I had the privilege of leading a small group who signed up to learn about Transforming Prayer. My first thoughts when invited were to jump at this incredible opportunity, my second thoughts were to question, "am I equipped for this?" Even the week turned out to be fruitful in many ways, I still don't feel equipped. But I think people learned, people went home healed, or healing. Change happened, people transformed. There is something so incredible, so beautiful in seeing that moment where change starts to take place, where someone realizes their potential, their worth. The thing that people so often forget, is that we are worthy. All of us, this whole world is worthy of God's love and no matter what we have done, no matter who we have hurt, there is room for forgiveness. Jesus died on the cross, so we could have eternal life, so we could be worthy. I watched this girl, slowly start to realize this. She comes from a life where people always told her the opposite. I think after hearing that your whole life, only to learn it's not sure true, would surely be a difficult thing to take in. But imagine how beautiful it would be, to finally have that to hold on to. To believe in. You are worthy. And not just of the love of God, the but love of your peers, your family and the world. We are all worthy. You are worthy.

she would like to be witty when it matters
she wishes she did not just not stumble - stutter...
shuffle along
a grown woman
lost in whimsical hopes
and meaningless hyperbole
she secretly owns a little black dress, or four
that's right four - she feels defensive inside
but she's really not
her broken heart is sewn together with barbed wire
she might be jaded, a little
jaded with her little black dresses
hung neatly in her closet...
or maybe now they have fallen to the floor
she thinks of the season, she thinks of the sun
in her dreams
the dresses turn to yellow
and she puts one on and twirls
she wears it out to play
lost in her whimsical hopes
and meaningless hyperbole