singing out of tune

Happy Walls

2011-06-10T13:12:00.002-07:00

Finally, I have a home. In 27 days, I will be married. My finance and I found an amazing condo right close to a skytrain station in Greater Vancouver. Perfect. Now I can easily get to my Vancouver friends, in the Winter months - skate in Robson Square and in the summer months, enjoy the parks and splendor that the west coast has to offer. I moved in two weeks ago and Jason will follow suit, right after our honeymoon! Almost a year ago, I sat in my seat on a plane home from NYC - from one of the most beautiful weddings, I had ever attended. A couple with such intense, yet beautiful joy. A couple who beat the odds - a couple so dedicated to their faith, each other and social justice - I road that plane ride home - inspired. Ready to find my own better half. One who make me smile, like my friend made his bride. The bride, an old NYC housemate - was radiant. I cannot wait to be radiant for my groom. I also can't believe it was a couple days after that plane ride - that love fell into my lap.

Early in the Morning

2011-01-04T21:36:00.005-08:00

It's official folks! I have pretty ring on my finger. Jason said (on one knee of course and after a wonderfully romantic speech), "Will you Marry Me?" I, of course replied, "YES!!!" I woke up early Tuesday, December 21st to meet a friend who mischievously suggested we be spontaneous and go for breakfast at 7AM! I sooooo did not love the idea of a 6AM wake up call, but out of love for my friend, I begrudgingly agreed. That morning I woke up wide awake and ended up being early, and she was stuck behind a big accident on the freeway. Shortly after our phone call explaining she was running late, a car pulled up beside me, and this guy came over to my car, and said, "Jason would like you to come with me..." In my head, I was like, "I think that's Andrew.... I hope it's Andrew." A minute later we pulled up to an ice rink and he led me inside to a half lit pathway of tea lights (i was early!) I looked up and there were was my love, and my favourite place in all the world, recreated just for me! I sat down on a bench perfectly placed in the ice rink of my "Bryant Park" and he sang to me, my favourite love song, "Feels Like Home" And it was there on the ice that he got down on one knee.

From Starbucks to Bodega Coffee - An Unpredictable Security

2010-06-20T23:17:00.008-07:00

I watch Law & Order: SVU - obsessively. I can't tell you if it's my love for NY, or the show itself. I do know, I get a little excited when I see SVU's characters holding one of those little blue and white coffee cups. There is something great about the experience of getting coffee from a Bodega, that Starbucks just can't beat. Last spring, when I lived in NYC, I was really broke. Starbucks was no longer a viable option and so I closed the door on corporate coffees and opened it to something interestingly independent. The whole experience of coffee purchased from a bodega is random, but it's the kind of experiences that always made my day. I was a regular at the one on the corner by my apartment. Some days my coffee was $.65 and other days it was $.75. I was never quite sure what it was going to be, so I was always prepared for the latter. The thing you need to know about a bodega is, more often than not, english is the second language of the majority of the staff, if not all. I only know english - Canadian english. It took me a few trips to learn that one of the guys who worked there, the one that most always prepared my coffee - didn't really speak english, like I presumed. He always responded with a nod or something; I think he understood, cream and sugar. Maybe. Cream is more Canadian, it seems Americans often say Half and Half. Though the amount of cream was always right, he also didn't quite get, "a little bit of sugar", or "one sugar", he just new "sugar" and estimated, (I am guessing) and put in, what he imagined I would want. It was never what I wanted. The thing about it though, was that, he was always so eager and happy, that I just could not be bothered, to care that my coffee was too sweet. Eventually, I started to like it. I think it was more about becoming a regular, having a place that was familiar - daily. I appreciated how nice the staff was ( i liked that it was always open, so there was always a safe place to go) - and most of all, I loved that it was $.65 and sometimes, $.75.

Encourage ME

2010-06-04T09:08:00.007-07:00

A couple months ago, I was motivated:

As one of my best friends has always said, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Today, I got a lemon and this is my attempt at lemonade.

I have three loves - on the career side of life: photography, writing and loving people. When I dream about my career, it entails all three encompassing one another. I feel most alive when I photograph beauty – when I reveal to people, that they are beautiful, when I meander through new places photographing its urban fragments that are sometimes lost in the raw, sometimes painful, but always beautiful. In my heart, photography should be natural and I always hope that something as simple as capturing laughter, or even a small smile, can change a life. In writing, I love to share stories of people, who have risen (or are rising) up from adversity. So that's what is going to happen here, on Sherri McLeod Blog. I am going to share stories, reveal photos - portraits and journalistic. Through these photographs and stories I hope to inspire you. As I strive for this and adventure into my city (or your city), I want to love the people around me and find a way to bring hope into this nation, and nations afar.

So please, make lemonade with me.

I said this the day, I lost my job. I have posted one blog on my new blog ( i love making new blogs ), one. Ugh. I need to get back in the game. I need to feel that way. It's so discouraging loosing a job, when you try so hard to keep it, even get it, in the first place. Spending the last two month semi unemployed has been hard. The more I do, the more motivated I am. The less I have going on, the less I care about doing anything. I love busy weeks, filled with projects, shoots and fun. But the weeks, where I have no clients, no plan - are soooo long. I would love encouragement. Encouragement makes me work harder. I don't know why, but it's always been that way. So please, encourage me :)

a dreaming machine

2010-05-21T13:55:00.003-07:00

I admit it, I am a dreamer. I dream up big projects and I change my dreams every five minutes. Three things have always stayed the same for me: NYC, Photography and loving/helping people (more often then not young people). In these big dreams I like to create, I sometimes am able to encompass all three loves, other times not. My latest dream, brings together all three, full circle. There is a long starting point, to get to the end point, but I feel like to get to the end (or the new beginning) there needs to be work, education, research. How can anything big, happen without prayer, faith, work, resources, time, understanding and patience? And, the best part is, I think I can reach my overall dream, all the while loving people along the way.

a sojourn and a home

2010-04-18T22:46:00.004-07:00

I am thinking about these two words: home and sojourn a lot right now as they are a potential theme for a photo project I am working on with a friend of mine. I went out today with old friends and as we hung out I carried those words with me. Together, the three of us, we flew a kite on the beach in Whiterock. It was so freeing and startling - I felt home as I photographed the kite, as I learned to fly the kite. After playing we went for appetizers and talked. It had been about three years since we sat down together and chatted. We starting talking about my first stay (sojourn) in NYC. As the memories poured out into the air, I felt excited and hopeful. I remembered, how innocent I was as I clamored around the city. I remembered photo shooting so naively. --- Later this evening, driving home - I felt inspired. I live in this great city, I have a great camera and I am entering in, with the same naiveté, the same innocence. It makes me hopeful, ready to create a new portfolio, of this new home, this new time in my life. To create excellent life changing, inspiring memories.

Sometimes...

2010-04-15T08:31:00.003-07:00

...it's nice to be reminded of this...

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Matthew 4:6,7 NLT

Moments ago I was thinking about my debt, that has accumulated over the last year as I adventured to NYC, came home, all the awhile seeking employment - anywhere. I was thinking about ways to pay it off, being strong enough to pay it off instead of buying new shoes. I wondered if I can do it, and then I realized. This is something I can stop worrying about, that I can give to God. He wants it. So, it's my hope, that I can be strong enough, that I won't be swayed by pretty things.

Timeless

2010-03-27T21:51:00.006-07:00

Unpacking, I have rediscovered an old treasure; a dictionary, formerly my mother's - old, worn, and blue. I heart it. A friend of hers gave it to her years ago. I think it was a best friend from her youth, a woman named Ibby (who i called Auntie). There is a inscription inside, but no name.

Jan, A gift to you.

Something I hope you will cherish. But I believe this will always

be something you will use.

My mom loved this dictionary like, it, itself was a friend. There is tape on the spine holding it together, a well used/loved book. Funny, how we can't ever run out of the desire/need for words. A dictionary is timeless. This specific dictionary, allows a memory to last forever. In part, because when I see it, I see my mom, and that makes me smile. Her heart & soul poured over this book. She loved to write, to think, and put her heart on paper. These words enabled her, taught her.

Oh Vancouver: From A to C

2010-03-13T09:24:00.007-08:00

I found a place in the Vancouver area in a city that is comparable to what Queens is to Manhattan. Burnaby, it is called. Changes are good. I never imagined living in the place, which holds Canada’s second largest shopping mall. But, if you saw my place and met my wonderful new housemates, I think you would be equally excited for what is to come.

Finally after 9 months, I bid farewell to New York City… yes, I know what you are thinking, - how sad is it, that this bidding took so long - Ah, I tell you, it’s not sad at all. It was a process, a trip of self-discovery. I think I would call these 9 months, the wandering months.

Home. It’s something that means something to me - recently, I went through a break up and my friend Jenae decided to make me a break up kit; part of the kit contained a CD of some of her favorite melodies and lyrics, unintentionally, most of the songs she found for me, referenced the idea of home. I am an adaptable person I can be at home, anywhere. Still, there is that idea of being in a place – where roots are planted, where life is affirmed, where successes are made and family is born. It’s a place you hang your hat, where the bed is yours, not borrowed. I crave that place. This week, I moved into my new house and I bought a dresser. It’s pretty and white; I have been eying it for a while. It feels almost symbolic of what’s to come. Many times this week I have sat on my (borrowed) bed – stared at my dresser and smiled. Almost as if there is a secret inside of me, but it’s not a secret…it’s so much more. All my traveling, my moving – it brought me here. I never thought I’d plant roots on the lower mainland. I never imagined the greater Vancouver area, being home. I never bothered to consider it would be a job that would make me still. I agonized over where to live, for so long. I see now, all my reasons, to move or live in each place, I have encountered in the past few years, were like stepping-stones. To get from a to c I had to trek through b.

PS. Soon, I'll buy a bed.

What would you do if your income knew no limits?

2010-02-15T19:35:00.004-08:00

I was asked that question recently. And, it was a question, I didn't need to pause to think for. But now, days later, I want to pause and revel in my imagination and dream my answer into all its possibilities - oh I love possibility! My answer gives me goose bumps, its makes me excited for the future. Excited to think, it could happen, one day, even without funds with no limits. My answer: travel the world, explore the vast array of cultures. Immerse myself in other ways of life. Take photograph after photograph, write stories, journal, blog - live it.

Missing Manhattan

2010-02-06T19:21:00.004-08:00

the stench of something wafts to me.
i crinkle my nose.
i smile anyways. its truth in its own way.

i miss it.

freedom in the subway (time constraints and all).
bryant park. is beautiful.
buskers sing for dollars. hungry.
loving art, life, & song.
photoshooting, bravery and loneliness.
It's all the same.

i miss it.

there is love, pain and brokenness.
but it works. it's raw, it's real.
you can't be blind, when you see. (if you really look).

i miss it.

An Apology

2010-02-06T19:03:00.001-08:00

In early 2007 I blogged about the cycles of anger. I was mostly referring to an incident that had happened with one of my closest college friends. Since that time her friendship and mine has started to crumble and over the last couple years I have missed her, fiercely. One of my favorite things about her, is her ability to say things like she feels it. ...the same thing I loved, is in part what broke us apart. Last summer, two and half years later, she came to me, she apologized. I wanted to cry right there. My heart was rejoicing - All I could think was, "I have my friend back!" I wonder why sometimes that's all we need. An acknowledgment saying "I'm sorry I hurt you." I also wonder why we even need that.
Our hearts are so fragile. We are human and sometimes I forget how intricately we are woven, how words and actions, really can hurt, do hurt - no matter how fiercely we try to fight it... I have goosebumps writing this: thinking about forgiveness and the power of an apology.

The Website is Live!

2010-01-18T22:22:00.001-08:00

www.sherrimcleod.com

You Don't Believe in Miracles?

2010-01-14T14:38:00.003-08:00

Two years ago my roommate at the time was in a really bad car accident. She was t-boned on the drivers size and pulled a block. She walked out of the accident injury-free. As she step out of the car, looked at her car and then down at herself, she yelled to the sky, "thank you, God." My friends mom, was supposed to die two years ago, I drove up to my friends place about a month ago, and her mom was unloading wood from the truck. Just a few afternoons ago, Haiti had a horrific earthquake. An old college friend of mine, her parents had just landed in Haiti to visit mission organizations they had been involved in. The entire extended family on her dads side, lives in Haiti - All of them, are alive.

In the Heat of the Summer

2010-01-13T20:22:00.008-08:00

It's been awhile since I have thought of the sweet days of the summer of 2007. I have spent the last month searching through my archives looking for "new" old photographs to share with people, to be inspired by. Luckily, there were a few, but the ones of that summer took me back there. As I stare at the photographs I can almost feel the humid air.
There is something about that summer that inspired me like never before. My work was at its finest (in my opinion anyways) I crave to be back there, not to NYC, but to that place of inspiration, that place of almost naivete where my work was less followed. It was more personal, I was taking more risks. I allowed myself a sense of freedom, that I seem to have lost, or misplaced.

I will get there again.

*

2009-12-14T23:50:00.003-08:00

I wrote Finding Place a few weeks ago. I have felt a lot of change in these past few weeks. In this time: I have met someone, ended whatever it was with that someone, I have planned a bachelorette for my best friend, realized that all my friends here are wed or to-be-wed, become content with being 30 and single, found a deeper connection to my photography, and most importantly, I have discovered home - at HOME! How odd. I spent 6 years gone, only to return. I am so excited to get re-involved in my life here. Re-discover my place. Me, in my hometown. They say you can't go home again. I say, whoever 'they' are - they were wrong.

Wandering: Finding Place

2009-12-14T23:49:00.000-08:00

I am wandering, aimless in this life: a freeloader, living off of generous hands. I did not see this coming. I saw my dreams start unfold before my eyes, at the tips of my fingers... those dreams are gone, done, dissipated into oblivion. At least that's how it feels. A friend recently invited me to live with her, for a year in Cambodia. A part of me yearns for newness, for a place to be inspired. The other part craves stability, home and lifelong friendships. I left NYC in June with the intentions of an imminent return. It was not so. I am torn between two worlds right now...

I once lived in NYC, actually twice. And in those months, it stole my heart. I braved the summer and the winter. Braved the spring, but not the fall. I learned compassion, in a whole new way, I learned to see and breathe and sing...photographing all the beauty, the people and the place - I found a home. I fell in love and broke my heart. I skated round the pond in Bryant Park.

I conversed with a New Yorker friend online today. She spoke of being a quitter and hopes that in not quitting her most current endeavor that in the, end her experience, it will in turn, be fruitful Her revelation reminded me, that I too, am a quitter (have been a quitter). I fight with my desire to quit everyday. I know what it is.

More than goodbye, I hate to be vulnerable - exposed for the entire world to see. Intimacy is excruciating. I was thinking today as I looked down at a small sketch (I once drew) - I was startled by it, startled that it looked like something, that it was art. I think of myself as an artist in one form. I am a photographer. I get confused by it sometimes, and often wonder why I have no other, artistic tendencies. When I saw my sketch, I remembered the vulnerable moment I drew it in ... It's rare, those moments happen. But, It made me think of all that I could accomplish, if only I allowed them to happen.

I think, its there that NYC pulls at my heartstrings because far from home: I have to be vulnerable.

Tumblr

2009-08-04T07:38:00.005-07:00

I have started a tumblr, most of my posts have been happening over there. I have actually been writing a lot over the last few years, tucking it away into the heart of my computer, never to be read. So I have decided, to clip samplings and put them out there for people to (hopefully) enjoy.

Small Yellow

2009-07-19T09:32:00.003-07:00

When I was in NY, I found the perfect camera bag, but couldnt buy it at the time. I kept thinking about it and found it online. It's made by a designer who specializes in fashionable camera bags for woman. I am very excited. It's on my save-up-for, wish list! It's so pretty (and practical).

HOPE

2009-07-02T23:26:00.006-07:00

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. Jeremiah 29:11-14

homecoming

2009-06-27T00:30:00.001-07:00

There is something so sweet about homecomings. I am in Canada right now, visiting and being loved on by my amazing friends. I feel so blessed right now, so encouraged.

Seventh edition of The Schmap New York Guide

2009-06-19T07:58:00.004-07:00

My photo nap time was recently selected for the seventh edition of the Schmap New York Guide. Check it out!

worthy

2009-06-01T10:41:00.004-07:00

The present is clear, I can see the stars tonight as I think about all that I have, the blessings in my life. It's actually hard to believe, this is me, this is my life. Though my future is hazy (in that cloudy, who-knows-what-is-next sort of way)I have a good feeling about it. Sure, my future might be full of struggles, but what is life without trials. Those of you who know me, know I am a dreamer, so the future in all its haze is a little bit confusing. I always have a plan, I always know whats next. It's scary you know, living like this - in the present, its really hard. And even though it's going alright, I am not yet convinced, that I am good at it. But I a leaping, one leap at a time. I am sick right now, maybe that's what is making me so sentimental. Three and half days on the couch will do that to someone. I so wanted to go out today, but this flu sure knocked me out. I am recovering for sure, but I just don't have the strength yet, to meander out, into the big bad world. I just spent a week in upstate new york - a week of prayer. I was away with Inter-Varsity: My friend works with this incredible ministry that reaches out to college kids. I had the privilege of leading a small group who signed up to learn about Transforming Prayer. My first thoughts when invited were to jump at this incredible opportunity, my second thoughts were to question, "am I equipped for this?" Even the week turned out to be fruitful in many ways, I still don't feel equipped. But I think people learned, people went home healed, or healing. Change happened, people transformed. There is something so incredible, so beautiful in seeing that moment where change starts to take place, where someone realizes their potential, their worth. The thing that people so often forget, is that we are worthy. All of us, this whole world is worthy of God's love and no matter what we have done, no matter who we have hurt, there is room for forgiveness. Jesus died on the cross, so we could have eternal life, so we could be worthy. I watched this girl, slowly start to realize this. She comes from a life where people always told her the opposite. I think after hearing that your whole life, only to learn it's not sure true, would surely be a difficult thing to take in. But imagine how beautiful it would be, to finally have that to hold on to. To believe in. You are worthy. And not just of the love of God, the but love of your peers, your family and the world. We are all worthy. You are worthy.

little black dresses

2009-04-19T22:37:00.007-07:00

she would like to be witty when it matters
she wishes she did not just not stumble - stutter...
shuffle along
a grown woman
lost in whimsical hopes
and meaningless hyperbole
she secretly owns a little black dress, or four
that's right four - she feels defensive inside
but she's really not
her broken heart is sewn together with barbed wire
she might be jaded, a little
jaded with her little black dresses
hung neatly in her closet...
or maybe now they have fallen to the floor
she thinks of the season, she thinks of the sun
in her dreams
the dresses turn to yellow
and she puts one on and twirls
she wears it out to play
lost in her whimsical hopes
and meaningless hyperbole

Amazing, Inspiring :)

2009-04-15T20:25:00.001-07:00

Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent
Uploaded by dwarthy

my soundtrack

2009-04-15T13:51:00.004-07:00

I was talking to my old pastor the other day and I was telling him, how when I walk through the tunnels underground from one train to another, I listen to my IPOD really loud and as I am walking I feel like I am in my own soundtrack. Everything feels abnormal, people are walking in a fast pace: muti-tasking (ipod, iphone, texting, talking etc.), and they are walking all sorts of directions and somehow nobody seems to run into one another. It's like this weird game and everyone knows the rules, everyone plays fair. Somehow we all get to the turnstile or the platform in one piece. As the music plays, I can be anyone, completely anonymous. It's a totally surreal experience.

After this conversation, Dave asked me what my soundtrack would be. Thrown off guard I came up with The Gilmore Girls, but today I was thinking about my favorite movie and why its my favorite movie. I think there is something so cool about being able to express yourself without words. To know and to connect with people and God in such an intense way. And I realized that perhaps photography is my soundtrack in the same way August has music. Perhaps it allows me to see, allows me to open up my heart in a more profound way.

Come Back to Me

2009-04-15T10:20:00.007-07:00

I really love this song and I wanted to share it but technology is not in favor today.I was trying to post the video right here but many of the embedded links are disabled. The ones that are not, are full of ads.

Come Back to Me - David Cook

2009-04-15T08:45:00.004-07:00

My friend Lindsay posts these Monday Secrets on her blog, I am not sure where she finds them...I loved these two so much, I had to share them

The Arts

2009-04-15T08:10:00.005-07:00

I came across a really great musician during my morning routine of social networking. His name is Jeff Hawker and we both grew up in Nanaimo, we went even went to the same church as kids. I always new he was a musical, but I never new how great he is at being a musician. Take a listen, you won't regret it!

Shame On Me from Jeff Hawker on Vimeo.

Photography by Adam Loewen
http://adamloewenphotography.wordpress.com/

Music by Jeff Hawker (more songs available on website)
jeffhawker.ca -

Sea of Faces

2009-03-17T07:15:00.004-07:00

Kutless released a song in 2004 called Sea of Faces

I see the city lights all around me
Everyone's obscure
Ten million people each with their problems
Why should anyone care

And in Your eyes I can see
I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world
Lost in a Sea of Faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because you traded Your life for mine

* originaly part of fighting the resistance

NYC Community 2007

2009-03-16T21:19:00.005-07:00

In one short summer my life changed forever. I met a group of people who welcomed me into their home and made room for me in their lives.

seriously ...

2009-03-09T16:07:00.008-07:00

... could we be any cuter?

Little Me and Little Ryan gardening with Grandma &, a day at (in) the Zoo

fighting the resistance

2009-02-16T20:55:00.008-08:00

I sometimes wonder what it truly looks like to humble oneself before God. God is testing me right now, stretching me. I can almost feel his voice in the wind, saying "trust me, just trust me." I feel like for so long I had a back up plan. I have resisted trust, and resisted humility and even more - vulnerability. I fear vulnerability more than many things, I fear it, but i also crave it. In wondering how I can explain this, I am reminded of something, an article I once wrote about my first season my first few weeks living in Harlem:

For the first time in my life I was thrown into a new culture and a new world...My new apartment was run down and we had mice. My street was littered in garbage and people were outside in gaggles for all hours of the night. Spanish music clung to the air on high volume and you could always smell a steady stench of garbage. Families hung out on the street, kids played in the fire hydrants, guys crudely gazed in my direction, everyone spoke a language I did not know, and it was the first time in my life I ever felt white. It was almost like that dream where people wake up naked in school. I would walk down my street and I would feel vulnerable; I could no longer hide in a sea of people.

I share this, because it is those feelings that drew me back to NY. I want to stop hiding. I want to feel alive and inspired to get down on my knees. I feel open to possibility to feeling something. This place draws the emotion out of me - the willingness to risk. It is not an easy life but its a satisfying life. There are some days where I do desire a life of splendor, I do want the pretty car and the big house, but I know it will never satisfy ...
... It makes me smile, thinking of perhaps living in a walk up in Harlem, always.

*The end of this post originally had some lyrics from the Kutless song, Sea of Faces...I gave it its own post, feeling like God's message in that song is too big to put at the end of a post.

The Little Chair

2009-02-10T06:43:00.001-08:00

It's so little.

Proverbs 3 (Contemporary English Version)

2009-02-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

1My child, remember

my teachings and instructions

and obey them completely.

2They will help you live

a long and prosperous life.

3Let love and loyalty

always show like a necklace,

and write them in your mind.

4God and people will like you

and consider you a success.

5With all your heart

you must trust the LORD

and not your own judgment.

6Always let him lead you,

and he will clear the road

for you to follow.

7Don't ever think that you

are wise enough,

but respect the LORD

and stay away from evil.

8This will make you healthy,

and you will feel strong.

9Honor the LORD by giving him

your money

and the first part

of all your crops.

10Then you will have

more grain and grapes

than you will ever need.

11My child, don't turn away

or become bitter

when the LORD corrects you.

12The LORD corrects

everyone he loves,

just as parents correct

their favorite child.

i seek you

2009-02-02T07:18:00.001-08:00

i am trying to get down on my knees
the rocks on the ground
i am afraid of them please
i have been wounded
and torn

one day i hope to live with humility

trying simplicity out for the day
i read your book, the ones in the middle anyways
i am so desperately seeking your face
i can feel you and your amazing embrace
hot tears pour down, my already burning face

sadly and conceited, i wipe them away
never comes easy to me

you try so hard to meet me here
but i constantly pretend i can’t hear
your voice is undeniable – but still, i run away

one day i hope to live with humility

yearning in the depths of your grace
to one day pray with humility

i seek you
i seek you
i seek you

yearning in the depths of your grace
to one day pray with humility
i am trying to get down on my knees
the rocks on the ground
i am afraid of them please
i have been wounded
and torn

but still

i seek you
i seek you
i seek you

Abundance

2009-01-29T20:33:00.003-08:00

Today I have been amazed and startled by the profound way in which I have been reminded of God's eternal love and endless grace

The Economy of Mercy - By Switchfoot

2009-01-22T14:14:00.003-08:00

There's just two ways to lose yourself in this life
And neither way is safe
In my dreams I see visions of the future
But today we have today
And where will I find You?

In the economy of mercy
I am a poor and begging man
In the currency of Grace
Is where my song begins
In the colors of Your goodness
In the scars that mark your skin
In the currency of Grace
Is where my song begins

These carbon shells
These fragile dusty frames
House canvases of souls
We are bruised and broken masterpieces
But we did not paint ourselves
And where will I find You?

Where was I when the world was made?
Where was I?

I'm lost without You here
Yes, I'm lost without You near me
I'm lost without You here
You knew my name when the world was made

Reflections: It's a whole new day :)

2009-01-16T20:58:00.003-08:00

Today was a good day, a happy day. I love how good conversations with friends can warm your heart. I went to Costco tonight, in the the Bronx with my roommate and her good friend from college. I wandered around, almost aimless. It was surreal, because the layout was identical to the one in my hometown. For a second, I was there and it felt really good. Sometimes when I am homesick, I go to the gap. I do it because it smells the same, the product and lighting is the same. It feels good, to feel home, if only for a moment.

Reflections: Day 2: Hour 5

2009-01-15T12:17:00.001-08:00

When I think about the times in my life where I have felt the breath of God's wisdom it has never been food related. It has always been outside in nature, through exercise, through conversations with good friends and through things I have seen or watched. 6 years ago I took a class called spiritual formation. It was the first time I had been introduced to fasting. During this course we had been assigned to fast from something in our life, and use that extra time to seek out God. During that time I choose to fast from TV. I specifically did not choose food because I knew that at that point in my life i could not handle it, since I have always been opposed to food fasting. I think this time I wanted it to be different, I wanted to seek out something deep, intense. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I am ending the food part of my fast today. When I don't eat I feel sad, lonely, and insecure. I have always been this way if even I have forgotten only to eat lunch. Since I have not eaten since Tuesday night (with the exception of a little bit of fruit and yogurt) I have also been so tired that I keep falling asleep, thus preventing from focusing, which is the primary reason of my fast.

I don't regret doing this, I think that getting to such a vulnerable place once in awhile, is good, healthy. Acknowledging things in our life that we otherwise wouldn't, also good.

So I have decided on something different because I am really excited about seeking a more meaningful relationship with God. I am excited to be in this stage of my life to know that I am embarking on a new journey, a journey that has great potential to guide me, to heal me and to take me a deeper richer place in my life, my relationships - If only I am open to it, if only I let God take the reign.

So I am going to the places where I have heard God's voice, where I feel calm and I am putting boundaries on the things in my life that I know take away from my journey and I am excited. A friend once told me that quiet time with God is not always sitting reading the word, its not always praying. She said "Sherri what you do with your camera, that's your time with God" I am going back to that, and when I am not taking photographs, I am going to go to the water to breathe and pray, I am going to go skating and I am going to run in central park and I am going to take my Bible and my journal and ride the subway. I am going to drink tea with friends and roam the city. That is the beginning, that is what focused Sherri looks like. In the midst of moving and transition - I forgot.

I thank you for listening, for praying. I would love it if you continued to pray

...Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Prov 3:5,6

with love and gratefulness,
Sherri

Reflections: Day 2: Hour 3

2009-01-15T10:43:00.003-08:00

Wisdom comes in such intricate ways. I have been reminded of the places I go to feel free, of things I do that bring me joy. Of the moments in my life where God spoke His wisdom into my heart. I have been seeking such things through fasting, when all along He was already there, already willing me. Already waiting. I am ending my fast today and I am going outside. I am going to those places and I am going to do the things that make me smile. I am going to seek wisdom in a new way, that is not so new really, but a way that I forgot.

So this is not an end to my reflections, its a beginning.

Reflections: Day 2

2009-01-15T09:53:00.002-08:00

I am considering changing things up a bit. I am considering adding in a light diet. I feel like I am so tired all I want to is to sleep thus preventing me from things I had hoped to accomplish in this fast. All in all this morning was really good.

Reflections: Hour 12

2009-01-14T20:48:00.003-08:00

I am finally in a place of understanding, finally seeing. I started reading the book of Proverbs. I have never read it from the beginning, just pieces of it, chapters. Proverbs is a book about wisdom. My friend Tanya even told me this last night but I didn't connect it to what I am seeking. I am a stubborn fool sometimes, sometimes I can't see past my own desires, my own weaknesses. Tan even encouraged me to choose a reading for today, but I didn't. I spent the day distracted by things and hunger and misery. I didn't open my eyes.

Reflections: Hour 10

2009-01-14T19:05:00.002-08:00

I feel like an emotional basket-case. I feel very unhealthy. I am thinking there is a better way to do this. A better way to seek God's wisdom. I don't really know but a friend reminded me of a verse:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5,6

Time will tell what I am supposed to do. I might stop fasting from food. I don't know if its for me at this time. I do know that fasting can be done in many ways and my fast from Facebook has been great. It is such a distraction in my life, and it's so unnecessary to go to it multiple times daily.

God's wisdom is found in so many ways. I think that just talking to people is a way of hearing that wisdom. My friend Tanya bubbles over in it, she said something to me last night she said "I feel I can cope better when I look through the lens of Gods wisdom." I think that is such a profound statement. Maybe I need to think more about that and less about food. Less about fasting and more about the reason behind it. I think all along I emphasized too much, in the wrong areas.

Reflections: Hour 8

2009-01-14T17:17:00.002-08:00

I feel like I am going to explode. I have never wanted food so badly. Being hungry makes me feel sad, all I want to do is sleep to escape it. Which I have done for the last three hours. I don't know if I could continue on this way for two more days. I am thinking of ways to supplement how uncomfortable I am. Which basically means I am considering what would be okay to add to my juice-water-tea diet, that will still be part of this cleansing/fasting process but allow me to stay on stable ground.

Reflections: Hour 1

2009-01-14T09:48:00.002-08:00

I am fasting for three days, I am allowed juice, water and herbal teas. The point is to clean the toxins from my body but its also spiritual and personal. I am seeking a new depths in my relationship with God, I am seeking focus, wisdom and healing. I am not going to post throughout my entire fast, just when I feel its important or just when I need (want) to. I am also fasting from the two things that distract me, television and Facebook.
Right now I feel like I am in the rebellious stage of my fast. I am not really doing what I intended to do. I intended to pray and to read my Bible, instead I work on my class, which is funny because I could do everything but that, until I woke up today. I can't help but wonder if there is some significance in that.
When I went to bed last night I decided to just get up when I felt like it. To start refreshed with energy, so I decided not to set my alarm. I woke up at 12pm. I can't say I remember a time when I have slept that late in the day. It felt really good.

stepping off the curb

2009-01-08T20:17:00.003-08:00

I am in New York and I am ready, to follow my heart. I'm doing things, I don't do. I am meandering the streets - elated, joyful. I am stepping off the curb, because I can. I have made a decision to be brave. It's hard here - no doubt, and difficult things have already happened -but its okay you know, the tough stuff I mean. Because, we get through it. And that is pretty amazing and this place is beautiful and heartwarming and crazy and misunderstood and I get the privilege to discover it all...see it all.
I am so thankful.

to living, to following our dreams

2008-12-20T21:02:00.003-08:00

Dec 11
I have been such an absent friend these past couple months as I have been planning and traveling, overworking, and over-stressing my exhausted self. I am finally on the plane (to my parents) and I am relaxing and remembering there are many emails/blogs I need/want to write. So it’s (happily) catch up. I have learned many things this year as I have been preparing to go east. I have learned how amazing my friends, my peers and even random strangers are, how much I cherish them. I don't think I would be on the plane right now, if my BC friends were non-existent. They saved me in so many ways. Through cups of tea and coffee, there was wisdom; through donations of time and suitcases there is gratefulness and the ability to spend less, thus saving more. Through random twenties shoved my way and people telling me to keep the change, through booksellers who simply took my books through all of that, because of all of them - I have boarded my plane. I am one step closer to one dream and thanks to my most recent roommate I am also another step closer to Paris. Those who know me well, know I dream of Paris - I am inspired by bridges, buildings, and amazing structure: the Statue of Liberty, the Eiffel tower and the Golden Gate Bridge. In life we dream, we live to dream, we dream to live; let us live our dreams.

Near To You

2008-12-20T11:07:00.010-08:00

Once again(amazing music artist), A Fine Frenzy has inspired me, her lyrics have aroused hope, have played a part in healing. I once loved, and then I lost. For so long I held on and life was a whirl wind of pain and excitement. I hoped, I held on, I let go and the vicious cycle, it continued to go round. It doesn't matter who it was, or when it was. It just matters that I am happy, content and excited to chase my dreams. To run into the sunset with a smile so wide there is no room for the pains of my past to hold me back. Life is beautiful and sometimes we hold on to things, that hold us down.

I once talked to a friend who met this boy. They fell hard for each other and there was hope for marriage. For years he had loved another and once he started to let it go, this other came back with an offering so small, it was just a taste - even so, he picked that apple. The decsion cost him this fabulous new love, a woman who would give everything. This sad story, it's about his loss - its a lesson, to live because the boy, he lost. He was habitually addicted to this girl he had wanted for so long. So fixated, that when something better, someone who wanted him completely he could not see it. The pure rare beauty, was lost to him. He had become blind to all that could be. He allowed himself to be smothered by the past. Therefore he had no present to live in, no future to seek. He choose the past; not to live. The saddest part is: once in awhile he thinks of her, and he hangs his head low, in in the back of his mind, he knows.

going home for Christmas

2008-12-10T19:06:00.004-08:00

Christmas is around the corner, tomorrow I am going home to see my family. These tracks are about 15 mins from their home. I am very excited for tea time with my step mom and random adventures with dad.

He Shows Up Pt.2

2008-10-13T14:10:00.002-07:00

Five years ago my life changed in an instant, everything I knew (or thought I knew) vanished. I guess that happens when your life revolves around another and then that other is gone. When my mom passed away in the summer of 2003, I had to find myself. I didn't really know then, but as time has passed, my eyes have opened. Over time God led me to where I am, who I am. I feel blessed to be a photographer, to be able to see. I am so excited for what I get to do, for what I get to share. I am scared sometimes (or a lot of the time) but I am hopeful and can found on occasion - doing the happy dance!. I am on this journey that is taking me farther than I ever imagined. I was talking with my roommate the other day, about my NYC summer, about living in Harlem. I said, "can you believe I did that? Me in NYC, little old me?" Cat grew up next to me, our families had no money, but we did the best we could, with what we had, only when you have nothing, its hard to aspire for something you don't even know to look for. I never even knew NYC living was a possibility, God has shown me otherwise. Cat's response to my question was, "no, no I can't believe it." This response was said with a smile and hope for me. The tone in voice was incredulous - it said "you made it." And I smile when I think about it. No one expected this, I didn't expect it...a miracle perhaps? So off I go, riding into the sunset...NYC, here I come.

He shows up

2008-10-13T13:49:00.006-07:00

Some days I feel like its a facade, like I am fraud and one day I will wake up and people will see. But then there are days he shows up and I know without a doubt its real - faith. That God is real, alive and well. There are many days when I feel like a bad Christian. Like I am failing Him, because I am afraid to share, afraid to stand up and be who I am in Him, because I don't read my Bible very often, or pray fervently for hours on end, or do everything I think he's telling me (because I am embarrassed or just don't want to) or there are the days in church I stand there, because I don't want to give my money, I don't want to walk in front of all those people and put my envelope into the bucket or when all I have is change and I am ashamed to give my pennies. But what is all that. Is there only one way to follow, to be His daughter? I wonder because I fall short so many times over, I am judgmental and shallow, lazy and I spend money I don't have on frivolous things, oh the list goes on...but at the end of the day, He shows up...he is there following me, loving me and holding me. And it is that simple and it is in the simple things too, the most precious things. Like the other day I picked up my Bible for the first time in weeks and there He was talking to me through His word. Then as I stepped off the bus in Chinatown NY last September, there He was telling me I was home and then there is Savina, my precious NY friend who gave me a home, trusted me and invited me to live in her house, in community with 4 other amazing woman. Looking further back I see the winter of 2007, when I had no food, no gas for my car, I could barley pay my rent but he provided. –Money showed up. He showed up. On these days when I feel lost, like He is so far away, I can close my eyes and breathe and remember its not a façade, its not a game, He is here and he will show up, He has, in all His miraculous ways. I just need to remember. We just need to remember.

Thanksgiving

2008-10-12T22:12:00.004-07:00

I love thanksgiving, it might even be my favourite holiday.

I have some pretty sweet memories

Thanksgiving 2001

My brother and his family, my mom and grandparents, my friend Marilynn and I gathered around the table at my grandparents to eat this amazing spread: roast turkey, roast potatoes, stuffing, carrots and turnip etc. After dinner Grandma Reggin served pumpkin pie and tea. In Reggin tradition everyone waits to eat. You do not start until Grandma sits down. My guest and my brothers were not aware and Stacey (my nephews mom) started to eat, my mom being the tact person she was caught her with her eyes and blurted it out to the whole table, as this was happening Marilynn started to stealthily cover her pie with whip cream, she was hoping her half eaten pie would go unnoticed. To her dismay, it did not. It was a good moment, a good thanksgiving the best part is we together we laughed.

Thanksgiving 2006

Dinner with the Duckworth family is always an adventure with constant laughter and banter. This family makes me feel like I am part of them. I am never out of place and always appreciated. It is really rare to go somewhere and to always feel welcome, they never make me feel like I have outstayed my welcome, if anything, they want me to stay longer. I can call them anytime and they will show up. I am very blessed by them. This particular thanksgiving they opted out of regualar tradition and together we shared fondue. Cheese and Oil Fondue for dinner and Chocolate for dessert. You would be amazed by the concoctions you can created with such a spread.

rambling

2008-10-12T20:04:00.003-07:00

I have been having troubles blogging, because I have been having troubles putting my thoughts into order. I have so much going on, I think so much, I often am too overwhelmed to know how to express myself with words. But tonight, I am just going to ramble. Sometimes its easier to write, when we ramble, when there is no rhyme or reason. I used to write like this, but as time has gone by, the pressure I put on myself to be great has increase. I am very aware of my inability to create proper sentence structure implement proper grammar. And this, it drives me crazy. More than anything, I want to write well. I keep buying books to help me, but I never read them, so I am starting to believe they are a useless investment. I learned recently there is label (for lack of a better term) for my learning style. I am a Kinesthetic learner, meaning I learn through implementation, doing. As soon as I do something three times with someone guiding me, I know it forever, I excel in it. I do not know where I first learned grammar and how but I do know, I can't tell you what a verb is, or a noun. I haven't a clue, I have not memorized it. I don't know how to memorize it. It is almost as if I need to write a paper, someone needs to edit it thoroughly with corrections and definitions to the corrections, why its important and then I need to sit down and redo it, on my own. If I don't know why, then I do understand. I need a why! Which is crazy and frustrating and maybe an excuse, but I know its how I learn.

2008-09-24T16:49:00.001-07:00

A few summers ago, a camp friend of mine, Laura, was speaking in morning devotions. She shared a quote she found and it stuck with me, “Grace is doing the very best you can, to the person who is doing the very worst to you,” I want to be that person. I want to love the world.

2008-09-24T12:10:00.002-07:00

Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very'; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.

C. S. Lewis

The Destination

2008-09-21T20:09:00.005-07:00

2008-07-22T22:40:00.001-07:00

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

how has it been five years already...

2008-07-01T20:45:00.003-07:00

Its hard to believe five years have past. I remember the last time I saw her, she had dropped me at the ferry and I was trying to wave goodbye but someone was in my way. I remembering being sad, that she didn't see my wave and annoyed at the stranger who unknowingly stole my moment. It was almost like I knew, in that moment, that it was really goodbye.

where the future is bright

2008-06-06T20:17:00.002-07:00

I remember hope, when I see success. And just to be clear, I do not mean success in the terms of superficial gain. Success goes much deeper. I think you can almost compare it to the feeling one gets when imagining they can touch a mountaintop, from the ground. That feeling evokes a sense of joyful greatness within. In the last year I have encountered many people who have seen their dreams come alive. I work in a cafe and some of my regulars have become beacons of light to my day. There are such positive and uplifting people. One of the young men who comes in, most often daily, (whom we'll call Serge) once lived in a trailer, to make ends meet, This year he finally touched that mountain top. His business, which he started from the ground, is now flourishing. I asked him once if he thought his business was a success, because he was so personable. He said yes, but he also said that success could means many things. He went on to explain that if a client came along who could contribute $1,000,000 to his business, but was an ass, he would turn that client down to maintain integrity of the business not only for himself but his employees and his clients. I fully believe he found success in doing business honestly. I think so often we think success is found in monetary gain or fame, we forget about the heart of it all. We loose sight of what is important and so often within that the people around you whether a client, an employee or a friend, someone in that mix gets hurt. Serge started his business with heart, determination and hard work. Serge is a success because he is a good man with honest integrity. He is one example of where we can look and see that the future is bright.

Be The Change...

2008-05-28T20:10:00.005-07:00

This picture was taken just hours before I would fly to NYC for the first time. When I look at it I am reminded of faith. Faith I had. It was as if nothing could stand in stand in the way, to stop me from going, because I knew without a doubt God was taking me to NYC. I know for some that sounds cheesy, even naive, but its not. Taking that flight, it changed my life.

I was sitting in church last Sunday night and someone relayed a message given by the late Mother Theresa, to a follower of Jesus. He had asked her about clarity and explained that was what he was searching for. She told him she never had clarity but what she had was even bigger, she had trust. She trusted God and knew He would walk with her in every step of her life. Looking back on her life, I think it is pretty hard to deny such truths.

Mahatma Gandhi said, “be the change you want to see in the world” If we don’t fight today, to better this place, this world we live in. I question how will it be for our grandchildren. Will they even exist? I think change starts with a higher power. God enables us to do so much. I have felt it – I know it, without a doubt.

Reunion

2008-04-05T23:02:00.007-07:00

Recently I reunited with a few of my college friends. These girls, they warm my heart. They have been with me, from the beginning, they have seen my photography career unfold. They have supported and encouraged all of my endeavors. They have participated in making my dreams real; they modeled for me, bestowed feedback, valuable tips on editing and shooting, sat with me through endless lectures, adventured on random shoots and pushed me to go all the way. There is something to be said about the people whom you were educated with and whom you were challenged with and grew with. It’s a special bond being together at the beginning of something great, witnessing excruciating all-nighters to get the job done. Most of them, they themselves, are fellow photographers and being with them again brought me back and re-ignited my heart, reminding me of the beginning and why I am doing this, why I love it. For months I have been feeling uninspired, lost in a life of pattern and now, the ideas are running round and I am ready. Pen to paper, camera to subject. As my roommate often says, “Lets get this show on the road!” As we speak, I am working on a new project. My aim is to have an art show in 6 months. So I will take the next 3 months to shoot and the remaining 3, to plan. I will not be posting art show pictures; I want the show, to be new, to all who attend. I don't want people, to have had time, to think about the image. I want them to see it and feel it for the first time, when the show opens.

Happy Birthday!

2008-03-05T18:47:00.005-08:00

Thinking of you (Wen and Jess) on your birthday!

Thanksgiving

2008-02-29T00:12:00.005-08:00

I feel good today, not sad, but free. It is the first time in a long time I see an open door in my life. A door that puts me in a place of peace. It's odd, this journey we call life. I wonder how we get so mixed up, so entangled in the maze, where getting out feels virtually impossible. Two days ago my roommate said she was thankful for hope and I wondered how long it would be until I could honestly say that again. Today I am thankful for hope. Thankful for peace and healing. When I first arrived home from NYC last summer, I was a mess. I was not mentally ready to take on my Canadian journey. I was not ready to let go of my American dream, that I had been living. Today I was listening to a song called Almost Lover, by A Fine Frenzy. I used to think this song was a tragedy...It used to make me sad. Today I listened to it differently. Today I saw hope in it. In the summer NYC was my lover, and today I let it go. I have not relieved the dream, but the pressure, and the intense pitiful pining, that stopped me from living well. Today I really see where I need to be, what I need to do. Today, is the first step towards falling in love with Canada, making Canada my lover. And America is a place I learned from, a place that brought me forward. And who knows maybe I'll live there again one day, maybe I won't. But isn't possibility, a beautiful part of life.

2008-02-27T23:54:00.003-08:00

I was reading old emails tonight, and suddenly I was very aware as to how stuck in the past I have been, over the last 6 months. I know its alright to remember days that have gone by, but I think its time to stop pining for them and what it was, and start living. Its not about forgetting, its about letting go and being excited for what is, and what is to come. I am excited for today and tomorrow and It makes me warm inside to remember the past and how its brought me to this place. God is so good, so faithful.

incomprehensible

2008-02-10T00:58:00.004-08:00

deep into the night
sleep into the day
its fading
little black dress she wore
incomprehensible
moments of transient splendor
cascade all around

cherry blossoms weeping to the ground
radiant woman, fascinated man
deep into the night
sleep into the day
its fading
the little black she wore
incomprehensible
moments of transient splendor

traffic on the subway
musics blaring; mp3s on IPOD generation
Johnny's strumming licks on his guitar
commuters stop and stare
at the little black she wore
incomprehensible
moments of transient splendor
cascade all around
Man in the back
grinning at the lady
grinning at his girl

incomprehensible

New York, New York or Victoria, BC

2008-02-08T23:26:00.000-08:00

When does one let it go and carry on elsewhere? How do we know what path to choose? I love NYC, but I feel like Victoria needs to be home right now. So my problem is, when Victoria does become amazing, 6 months from now, I wonder, will I have become settled, part of a church, a community and will my business have become semi-established. With wondering I cannot help but question that in those 6 months will I desire to be in NYC just the same? Will I still want to move there or will I be so settled that I cannot leave. See my problem? I am so confused - all of the time. I want to live in the now (temporarily let go of the future) and love Victoria, but I am scared of loving it so much, I loose sight of the big picture. NYC has become this huge dream and when I think about the future, I think about walking down the busy streets, writing emails and stories in Bryant Park, photographing the people, the architecture, the stories. I think about the art gallery I would love to have, and doing love-based missions. I imagine my very first NYC art show. I think about great church and great friends, I think about becoming a writer (after I take a million classes on grammar) and sitting in my apartment (in Harlem) drinking tea and tapping away at the keyboard through the wee hours of the night. I think about the subway buskers and how they always made my day - when I was there, and hope they will make my day in the future. See where my problem is???? What do I do??? I know living in NYC will not be perfect, I know it will come with its own sense of hardship. It was hard the first time around, and I know it has the likelihood of being harder the next time around (not said in a pessimistic light, but in a realist one), but that challenge, this dream does not frighten me. The burning question I need to ask myself is; why do I dream all of those dreams about NYC and not Victoria? What is it that I cannot let go of? If I look hard enough within myself, I can see my dreams transpire, wherever I am.

i miss the rain today

2008-01-29T21:34:00.000-08:00

I remember on day in august (I think) I got off the subway early, 116th Street, instead of 137th. I got off to go to Starbucks, for my daily fix of sweetness in some form of liquid, or another, and the rain, it was coming down in sheets; warm bountiful sheets. I pulled open the door to starbucks and walked in, hoping to sit and draw, I ordered my chai latte (major comfort drink) and I looked around (maybe the seats were full - or maybe I was antsy to get home; I cannot remember) and instead of staying I just walked back, out the door and into the rain. I held on tight to my chai latte and I wandered in the rain, down the street (down the hill but I was really going uptown) to where I was living on 134th.

The feeling right then stayed in my heart. The feeling of warmth and joy, the comfort of the lukewarm rain on a hot day, the taste of my chai latte, the pitter-patter of rain splashing on my face. - So beautiful, so memorable. I sit here tonight, in my apartment and I smile, at the thought of it all - of NY rain on a warm summer's day.

nice smile and sad goodbye

2008-01-29T17:24:00.000-08:00

say goodbye
don’t turned around
one last look
don’t look

she was a smart girl
a funny girl
a stupid girl

she let and let
stopped breathing
believing

little white lies (maybe not white)
this is no game
no game

quite playin
this stupid lame
game

six years of lame

******

a few months of pain
nice smile and sad goodbye
its okay

you did right
did not play
did not, did not
make the damage
the damage
was not done

nice smile and sad goodbye
its okay
its going to be okay

no bitter tears
you did right
she did right
today it just wasn’t right

nice smile and sad goodbye
its okay
its going to be okay

one day its going to be okay

What does your church look like?

2008-01-25T16:48:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking about NY and why I felt so content there and I have come to realize it is because of the community I found or I should say the community God led me to. The solid faith the woman I lived with possess, still astounds me.

I went to this amazing young adults service last night and the speaker kept asking us, "what does your church look like?" The response that came to mind was, my church looks like: Savina, and Marcella (two of my NY Housemates) and the commitment they made to come to harlem together and because of that commitment, God built a community and because of that community numerous lives have been changed - all because two girls got together and made a commitment to follow God. Because like my roommate Claire reminded me last night there is power in numbers. The Bible even tells us in Eccl. 4:9, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work" It is pretty amazing isn't it; to really look at how simple the big picture is. If only there were more Savina and Marcella's out there, letting God, instead of letting self.

So if my idea of church looks like their community, what is their community doing that many churches are not?

Instead of telling you what the church is not doing, I want to share what I learned from being in a community like theirs. I recently asked my roommate Claire what community looked like to her and her response was a place where we could find "Integrity" and to "Inspire" I also thought maybe a community is a place where we can be encouraged and be vulnerable. A community is where we come together in action and prayer. A place of unity and hope and a place where we shouldn't be afraid to ask questions and to be who we are. It's interesting now to think about tough questions, because four years ago I was struggling with questions about God and four years ago Claire was the first person I turned to, to ask the questions I was always afraid to ask. Now four years later, she is my roommate and I am still learning from her.

So I want to ask you, what the speaker at the church I went to asked us, "What does your church look like?"

storage locker

2008-01-16T23:23:00.001-08:00

my heart heavy, but ready
turning the handle of the rickety door
tugging it open allowing for
an intoxicating scent to come seeping through,

as it swings open all the way
I enter,
sights and smells bringing me back to remnants of my former life

climbing over the packed away memories and into others

sitting on my old bed frame leaned up against the wall
my feet positioned so I will not fall
tearing back the tape I broke open a musty box
picking up the photographs confined
glancing down at the family of four,
framed, smiling

funny how a photograph can be
freezing time, pieces of the past

Digging around, heaving unnecessary junk away
and holding to my heart memory inducing treasures
thinking of sweeter days
and bitter ones too

i glance out the door
thankful for a friend, innocent and chattering

the company is favoured

when remembering

wine glasses

2007-12-30T17:09:00.001-08:00

those old wine glasses
sat empty collecting dust
so pretty on their stems
everywhere she went
she’d pack them up in paper
traveling so careful
waiting for the day
when she'd sit, sip her wine
just to remember
the excitement in your eyes

just the other day
one fell to the floor
and a tear escaped from inside her
the day never came

and she’s missing you today

2007-11-01T22:52:00.001-07:00

as i sit here and stare out at my summers work laid across the floor. i ponder you from yesterday. distracted i sit browsing through the blogsphere. reading words of loved ones. and see. they remember yesterday too. i am sad. that yesterday is gone. but i smile. cause tomorrow is close. i miss you too. i also remember:

great cups of tea. illy espresso and mistos. brooklyn cappuccino and snowy nights. ice skates at the forks. summer picnics in the park. mini donuts and rainstorms. long conversations in the kitchen. live defining moments. the art store. changing room. that perfect shirt. gilmore girls and dinners out. homecooked meals and rooftop conversations. reunion hugs. sad goodbyes. graduation. family. rise magazine and the pamphleteer. microwavable pot roast, water hydrants and coney island cotton candy. carpool chaos and cafe 22.

Belle

2007-10-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

I’ll name a street after you, I said.
You said you’d name one after me
- Belle Street.

I smiled inside
I never forgot
---------
I took love for granted.
Thought it would always be.

settling in

2007-10-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

Everyday this week I have woken up with new ideas, new dreams to add to the old ones. Yet all I do is sit, stare at my computer screen waiting for msn to tell me I have a new email. My inspiration has been in meltdown. Though I suppose with so much transition in the last 6 months I have been feeling a little lost and a little tired.
Finally yesterday I went for a walk and felt that fire of inspiration dabble in my heart once again as I perused through the local art supply store and wandered the quaint little street it fell upon. In those moments I smiled because this street in its rough eloquence provided me with a familiar feeling. The months I spent in NY were often in awe of the splendor around me from the architecture, the art, the creation and of course its people. I was doing it here, looking around in my new home, only this time it didn't cause a creak in my neck.

2007-09-24T00:59:00.001-07:00

the perfect picture hangs alone.
the white space. white.
sleek black frame. solid.
she hopes.
the picture falls.
the glass. shatters.

white space. colourful.

sleek black frame. breaks.
she smiles. and walks away.

getting inspired...in VanCity

2007-09-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

I love days when inspiration flows through me and into the viewfinder; when my heart leaps at the sights all around. Yesterday I was inspired. My friend Joey and I met in downtown Vancouver and we drank a lot of coffee, ate great Indian food and roamed around for hours. At one point she took me down this alley and to my delight it was covered in beautiful graffiti and murals. We meandered around the alley and photographed its unique beauty and each other (joey is also a photographer) alongside other artists who happened to be doing the same. The alley, it is the perfect backdrop, an artists dream.

unchanging

2007-09-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

on a swealtering day in harlem
my fan would blast and I would drink my tea hot.

on a freezing day in winnipeg
my heater would blow and i would drink my tea hot.

on a rainy day in abbotsford
my windows would close and I would drink my tea hot.

on a gloomy day in nanaimo
my lights would shine and I would drink my tea hot.

on any day in victoria
things will happen and I will still drink my tea hot.

one day i'll...

2007-08-31T19:09:00.001-07:00

...fly away to Paris.

say goodbye for now, not forever

2007-08-13T00:49:00.000-07:00

~one door closed another door opened~

In just over 12 hours I board a plane home to the west coast; my New York chapter has come to close. At this very moment 3:39 AM to be precise, I sit surround by random piles of belongings attempting to pack away the last three months of my life. It is very hard. I am tired and sad, I love this life and I am not ready to leave. I did not realize how attatched I was until I started saying goodbye. I have learned so much here about life, culture, food, the economy, art, my Faith and myself. I have grown, I have changed. I feel truly alive and free.

I am Thankful to God for opening the doors to this journey. Thankful to NYC friends and housemates who loved and encouraged, Thankful to those at home(s) who supported me and told me I could do it!

this summer. . .

2007-05-09T18:54:00.001-07:00

you can find my blogs here http://sherriinnyc.blogspot.com/

PS - sidenote sail

2007-04-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

at this garge sale i was doing homework and someone tried to buy the book I was taking notes from
hahah.

Garage 'Sailing'

2007-04-15T15:12:00.001-07:00

of course it would have been great if it was actually 'sailing' but none the less we (my roomate and I) had a great time. we sailed away time and junk and made almost $150! woot to the poor starving students. Hopefully Steph and I will be roomates again in Nanaimo next year; living in those amazing apartments in over looking departure bay beach. Okay so I might be dreaming but it could happen! yay for the awsomeness of steph and to strangers who spend money on really wierd things. steph sold an old foamy for $2.50 and a old hotel bathrobe (hotels only give you [and by you I mean their employees] these kind of things if they are too grose to give to guests! -so imagine) for $0.75...people crack me up.

2007-04-02T10:43:00.001-07:00

the coconut latte is officially amazing!

$162 worth of Grace

2007-03-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

When driving it is common courtesy and law to stop at a stop sign. No California stops, no look and drive thru: you are simply to come to a complete stop. Tonight I was driving down the rainy roads of this city, and through the corner of my eye I glimpse the flashing blue and red lights. Confused I pull over and open my window and casually I ask?
“What did I do?”
“You ran a stop sign”
“I what!?” and so the conversation went on. For the life of me I can’t even remember not stopping, or even going through the intersection. I told him this and he told me the ticket would be $162. All I could think of was –
“Man at least I could have done something worthwhile, like sped to get somewhere on time. – and - where in the heck am I going to get $162!?” The policeman came back a few minutes later with some more questions. Handed me my license and registration and said
“I’m not going to give you a ticket,” stunned I thanked him profusely and went on my merry way complete with a goofy smile.

The best part of it all is - he (a very handsome man) knelt down by my window so he was just able to make eye contact casually lingered with a sweet little smile – the smile almost would have made the ticket worthwhile.

I AM SO THANKFUL
I DEFINITALLY DO NOT HAVE $162

2007-03-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,

I wrote about a month or so ago about a health scare i was having. I honestly don't know who all reads my blog, so when i got my tests back I never thought about blogging. I'm sorry to those of you who have been worried. (I just found out today more of you read this and are worried than I thought) I am okay. My blood result cames back clear of any irregularities. There will be further testing later in the year but it is just precautionary. So please no worrying allowed i am fine. I am sorry I worried you in the first place.

Essence of ‘Good’ Nostalgia: Finding Joy in Remembrance

2007-03-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Recently I gave a friend of mine who once lived in Asia, a lychee jelly cup, and she declared with satisfaction, “it tastes like Asia” This experience made me remember my own moments of nostalgia and how it has affected areas of my life. Moments like this lychee jelly experience often reveal small pieces of joy. How are moments of nostalgia triggered? Why is the moment such bliss? Well the triggers come from our senses and prompt something within our memories and through this we reach a temporary peak of delight. When I was five years old I would ride my little BMX bike endlessly. On one particular day it started to rain down on the hot steamy ash fault creating a smell that would stick with forever. Twenty-two years later, whenever I smell “rain on hot ash fault” I think of that day and smile, because in that moment I am a kid again with that fresh innocence and freedom, who rides in little figure eights, her blond hair sailing behind her, friends in tow laughing.

Summer is Coming . . .

2007-03-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

Can you wait for it?

Can you see yourself running
through the water
Can your feel the sun beaming in your face
Can you smell the coconut scents
Can you see yourself dancing with glee

Summer is coming . . .

on the hunt for a name

2007-03-09T20:10:00.000-08:00

over the last little while i have been racking my brain for a name for my photography business. at first i thought it was ideal to use my name but i am hesitant, because once i start opening galleries and teaching studios i want to display more than my own art so i would like to have a more generic name that doesn't put me in the spotlight. i want to be on this journey with people, not on my own. so right now i am asking you to give me ideas and maybe i will use one or put a few together. i would be delighted to include you in this new adventure i am embarking on.

always, sherri

White Chocolate Bliss

2007-03-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

All day I have been wanting to see the movie catch and release. Since my addiction to Alias I love anything Jennifer Garner is in. But alas not a soul was available to accompany me to this movie. So I took myself out on a date. - first I went to starbucks and ordered a decaf, tall, white chocolate mocha...then I smuggled it into the theatre. - cause what is better than a chick flick than a flick with a sweet coffee. I watched the previews and laughed at the stupidness of some upcoming movies. Then the movie. - I am a sucker for these romantic comedys. It was wonderful I laughed my head off - outloud and it was fun.

more than this

2007-03-06T16:22:00.000-08:00

fire burns from the outside in.
the pain is gaping and life is hard
still alive - she screams
there must be more than this

she walks into a store
looking for that high
a dozen shopping bags in hand -she dreams
there must be more than this

she cuts and dyes her hair
manicures her nails
covers up her beauty - and prays
there must be more than this

water wraps around her
in a tunnel she tries to fight
swalled up by pride - She cries
there must be more than this

she walks into a room
silence stills her heart
a 1000 friendly eyes peered out at her-and yell
THERE IS MORE THAN THIS

2007-02-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

through the viewfinder
the world changes
beauty unfolds
in the ugliest of scene
sadness evokes
patterns of hope

SLM

sweet surrender

2007-02-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

This year has turned into one of the most trying and growing times of my life. A time of surrendering I suppose. Last semester I did a project on Humility. One of my main themes was giving up pride. I never thought of myself as a prideful person, recently God showed me otherwise. I have been struggling financially for a few months and one of the hardest things in the world for me is to ask my parents (or anyone) for money. I feel like I am at the age where I should be able to do it myself, so I got a job thinking its no problem to work while in school. This mindset has become extremly problematic. I work too much, don't make enough money to pay my bills, am too tired and stressed to do homework. Sadly that is only part of my stressload. I am having a bit of a medical scare as of now and I am awaiting test results, hopefully I'll have some concrete answers when I go in for a follow up appointment on the fifth.
I went to doctor alone (stupidly) and I cried all the way home all that afternoon and more the next day. I can't remember the last last time I let myself cry to that degree. I cannot hold it in anymore. I have never had a reason to be worried about myself before. I've always been the strong one in my family. The one people came to. Or as my friends sometime refer "I am the Sunshine" Suddenly I find myself needing to reach out more than ever. I feel like God is trying to awaken me. To tell me to slow down and breathe. Don't let life pass by so fast I miss it. Don't shut people out. God is providing even when I dont take time for him. A few weeks ago when my cupboards were bare and mt gas tank was empty someone left a hundred dollars in my mailbox. Then today (I wondered after missing work all week if I could afford to take time out this weekend and relax) I was given yet another envelope from a separate anoynmous donor. God is really using people right now to help me and I am in awe of Him. Yesterday I finally gathered up the courage and swallowed my pride, before I was even able to ask my parents for money they offered to help me in any way they could. I sit here tonight and I want to cry not only cause I am scared, but because I am grateful. I am thankful. I am loved and I am not alone. Tonight I learned the powers in surrendering.

On another note it looks like my dreams of going to NY and becoming a professional photographer are about to come true. I have worked so long and hard to get to where I am today. In may I might be moving to NYC for an internship. God has been opening door after door for this venture and I pray that he keeps these doors open.

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me, loving me and helping through this year. I'm sorry for any burdens I may have layed but I am thankful you have been here. i know now I can't try and do everything by myself. I need to suck it up and reach out my hands to people. It is interesting to me that I am going through the story that I wrote on humility. Who knew when I wrote it, that it would come back to me in such a personal way. I thought I was creating this story to help others, in all reality it opened up my own eyes. This I'm sure is only through the work of Christ. I am forever greatful to all the people in my life who planted seeds and taught me about the love of Christ. I don't ever want to live my life for anyone else.

faith

2007-02-21T11:52:00.000-08:00

FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)
is this me?
Do i believe like this?

Today I hope that I reach out my hands
Today I hope that I am healthy
Today I hope I can continually put pride behind me

Today I hope

New York, New York?

2007-02-14T18:39:00.000-08:00

today I am one step closer to my dreams.

. . .dreams really do come true. . . if you let them. . . if you try.

tulips

2007-02-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

standing tall, delicate
vibrant colours
splash the earth
spring time rains and summers sun
give the warmth to life again

here we are standing tall
waiting for the day to come
when light comes from the sky
giving joy to all passers by
give the warmth to life again

once standing tall, broken down
vibrants colours fade away
fall to the ground
crumble under winters snow
cold has come and life is gone

here we are all alone
hiding falling deep within
too ashamed and not allowed
to let despair be known to them
cold has come and life has gone

standing tall, arms raised up high
someone says its time again
spring is home this day for good
suddenly its all okay
to go to church and open up

welcome warmth to life again.

thankfulness

2007-02-07T20:10:00.000-08:00

God loves me and today I am absolutley certain of this. He has blessed me today anonymously through someone.
I ran out of money yesterday and was wondering what I was going to to do for food and gas....
God provides...and today I can eat...and tomarrow I can drive to school.
Whoever you are thank you

conversations: minimizing our pain

2007-02-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

I had a really interesting coversation with a friend yesterday. We talked about life experiances and how sometimes people, or ourselves even minimize the pain we endure. Some maybe feel that their pain is worse somehow, for example say someone in their life died and another got divorced, well some may say that the pain of losing someone to death is worse, than losing someone to divorce because they can still see the other person. I do not agree with this though. I feel like pain is pain and we all endure differently. Some of us are easily able to carry on with our lives after death, but after divorce people are sometimes paralyzed their whole lives or vise versa. Its not the incident, its the way we feel. I think the important thing to remember is we all feel differently and we must love and accept the different degrees of pain, lets not judge people for being sad, when we think we should feel worse, lets try not to think that way at all.

The interim, The B-List and other such titles

2007-01-28T07:38:00.002-08:00

Now I assume your wondering what I mean by b-list. About a week ago I was sharing intimate details of current events in my e-hem non-dating life with a good friend of mine. I was sharing cause I needed to pin point my feelings and figure out where to go....
Her advice though, left me speechless..."you need to go on dates...lots of em. With anyone, you need to practice dating. Get yourself out there and learn how to date again, so when THE supposed guy comes along you know how to BE"...then two more of our friends came into the conversation....they freaked out when they learned how long it had been since I really dated anyone. I plead the fifth on telling the whole blogsphere but lets just say when I used to think doing the "lets be single for a whole year and see what God has to tell me while I focus solely on him" idea. I thought that that year would be forever....to that I tell you forever came and went long ago..
Now I am left in uncertainty about this whole b-list idea. I have big fears in regards to dating and one of them is hurting people, (which may sound a bit egotistical, but I am talking from experience) so why would I do this? Date people who as dates are meaningless to me? I asked my friend..."why would I want to hurt these people" she without hesitation exclaimed "people get hurt" hmm I thought interesting. It sorta made sense...people in the "real" world date all the time, without quams and misery. So what am I waiting for???? Hahahah. No really though I am still uncertain of this....and whats with the whole b-list thing anyways...honestly I don't think I believe in the b-list. There are the datable people and un-datable (meaning you like someone or you don't) and I see absolutely no reason to date the people I am not interested in. There is no real practise from dating guys who I don't want to date...I say this because there is no work, its all comfortable and relaxing cause there is no pressure and no possibility.
I suppose in writing this I have discovered the answer I have been seeking, to my friends 'wisdom'. I say no. I will not practice with the (non-existing) b-list. When I am ready I will go back into the dating world and date. ...today I just really want to travel and live my life to the fullest, I have my whole life to settle down and if I meet someone wonderful along the way well then that's awesome and I will embrace it.

Awkward Everything

2007-01-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

awkward |ˈôkwərd| adjective 1 causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with : one of the most awkward jobs is painting a ceiling | some awkward questions | the wheelbarrow can be awkward to maneuver. • deliberately unreasonable or uncooperative : you're being damned awkward! | please excuse my daughter—she's at an awkward age. 2 causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience : he had put her in a very awkward situation. 3 not smooth or graceful; ungainly : Luther's awkward movements impeded his progress | she was long-legged and rather awkward. • uncomfortable or abnormal : make sure the baby isn't sleeping in an awkward position.

I think daily I have an experiance of awkwardness. My new mission is to find a way to never be awkward again. Dang. Sometimes I do things to try and get out of it...

10 ways to get out of an awkward situation

1. Run..Fast
2. Pretend your sleeping
3. act smart even if your not. always have a fallback conversation
4. cry
5. burp or fart really loud...this may be awkward as well but likely not as bad as current situation
6. get distracted
7. change subject
8. make a joke out of the situation....keep in mind this has to be done well to work
9. move to another country
10. distract your audience...do whatever it takes

Disclaimer: do not do this at home and never without parental guidance