daughter discovers

I lived an unusual teenage/early twenties existence. These years were spent caring for my mom, who was very sick most of my life. She died three and a half years ago and each day has been a learning experience. In all those years of caring, I never saw, that through my mom’s dependence on me, I had become dependant on her. I needed her as much as she needed me. So when she was gone I realized fast that I no longer had someone steady to call, somewhere to cry, to yell and to be, I no longer had that sense of home you find in a mother.

Slowly the masks of my life started to peel. I lived in her life for so long, doing what I thought was needed that I changed who I could be so I could live in the present. I always wondered,
“How could I ever leave her when the rest of the world has already abandoned her?” Even though I thought this, I knew I was capable of much more than the plans I had made. Even still, I always told people,
“ I love this town, I don’t understand why you can’t wait to get out” They couldn’t understand why I wanted to stay.
I know now, that I was just lying to myself to make staying easier. I love my hometown, but I needed to leave to grow, to find me. At home people know my story, they know the person I was but here in this new city I can start fresh grow into the woman I know I can become.

After years of giving to my mom I got tired, I decided I needed to do for me and I made plans to go away to school with the intention of coming home and caring for my mom. I left before the school year, for a summer of working at camp and three weeks later she died.

Maybe my staying around for so long kept her alive longer, maybe it didn’t. All I know is she gave up trying, her sickness took it toll on her. She was strong; she fought for her entire 49 years.

Now, I am healing, living in this great new city working to make my dreams come true. Even though I miss my mom more than words can say I am thankful for where I am today. I am coming to terms with the reality that God knows what He is doing in all this. It’s hard to fathom that I could only have one, this life or my mom. It’s brutal to say out loud but it is what it is, and maybe I will go back to live at home one day, but not until the timing is right.