sweet surrender

This year has turned into one of the most trying and growing times of my life. A time of surrendering I suppose. Last semester I did a project on Humility. One of my main themes was giving up pride. I never thought of myself as a prideful person, recently God showed me otherwise. I have been struggling financially for a few months and one of the hardest things in the world for me is to ask my parents (or anyone) for money. I feel like I am at the age where I should be able to do it myself, so I got a job thinking its no problem to work while in school. This mindset has become extremly problematic. I work too much, don't make enough money to pay my bills, am too tired and stressed to do homework. Sadly that is only part of my stressload. I am having a bit of a medical scare as of now and I am awaiting test results, hopefully I'll have some concrete answers when I go in for a follow up appointment on the fifth.
I went to doctor alone (stupidly) and I cried all the way home all that afternoon and more the next day. I can't remember the last last time I let myself cry to that degree. I cannot hold it in anymore. I have never had a reason to be worried about myself before. I've always been the strong one in my family. The one people came to. Or as my friends sometime refer "I am the Sunshine" Suddenly I find myself needing to reach out more than ever. I feel like God is trying to awaken me. To tell me to slow down and breathe. Don't let life pass by so fast I miss it. Don't shut people out. God is providing even when I dont take time for him. A few weeks ago when my cupboards were bare and mt gas tank was empty someone left a hundred dollars in my mailbox. Then today (I wondered after missing work all week if I could afford to take time out this weekend and relax) I was given yet another envelope from a separate anoynmous donor. God is really using people right now to help me and I am in awe of Him. Yesterday I finally gathered up the courage and swallowed my pride, before I was even able to ask my parents for money they offered to help me in any way they could. I sit here tonight and I want to cry not only cause I am scared, but because I am grateful. I am thankful. I am loved and I am not alone. Tonight I learned the powers in surrendering.

On another note it looks like my dreams of going to NY and becoming a professional photographer are about to come true. I have worked so long and hard to get to where I am today. In may I might be moving to NYC for an internship. God has been opening door after door for this venture and I pray that he keeps these doors open.

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me, loving me and helping through this year. I'm sorry for any burdens I may have layed but I am thankful you have been here. i know now I can't try and do everything by myself. I need to suck it up and reach out my hands to people. It is interesting to me that I am going through the story that I wrote on humility. Who knew when I wrote it, that it would come back to me in such a personal way. I thought I was creating this story to help others, in all reality it opened up my own eyes. This I'm sure is only through the work of Christ. I am forever greatful to all the people in my life who planted seeds and taught me about the love of Christ. I don't ever want to live my life for anyone else.