When does one let it go and carry on elsewhere? How do we know what path to choose? I love NYC, but I feel like Victoria needs to be home right now. So my problem is, when Victoria does become amazing, 6 months from now, I wonder, will I have become settled, part of a church, a community and will my business have become semi-established. With wondering I cannot help but question that in those 6 months will I desire to be in NYC just the same? Will I still want to move there or will I be so settled that I cannot leave. See my problem? I am so confused - all of the time. I want to live in the now (temporarily let go of the future) and love Victoria, but I am scared of loving it so much, I loose sight of the big picture. NYC has become this huge dream and when I think about the future, I think about walking down the busy streets, writing emails and stories in Bryant Park, photographing the people, the architecture, the stories. I think about the art gallery I would love to have, and doing love-based missions. I imagine my very first NYC art show. I think about great church and great friends, I think about becoming a writer (after I take a million classes on grammar) and sitting in my apartment (in Harlem) drinking tea and tapping away at the keyboard through the wee hours of the night. I think about the subway buskers and how they always made my day - when I was there, and hope they will make my day in the future. See where my problem is???? What do I do??? I know living in NYC will not be perfect, I know it will come with its own sense of hardship. It was hard the first time around, and I know it has the likelihood of being harder the next time around (not said in a pessimistic light, but in a realist one), but that challenge, this dream does not frighten me. The burning question I need to ask myself is; why do I dream all of those dreams about NYC and not Victoria? What is it that I cannot let go of? If I look hard enough within myself, I can see my dreams transpire, wherever I am.
2 comments:
I liked this post, Sher.
I've moved so many times, I honestly am not sure if I could count them all up. I had a panic moment (or two) when Geoff and I bought a house, and when I realized that I was marrying someone SETTLED. It's all good, but I wonder if I'll get that urge to move on from this house that we've decided we'll live in indefinitely and is everything we wanted...
And then I make myself a cup of tea, curl up in a chair in my library (by far, the best feature in this house), and realize that walls are walls - and that home is wherever you are right now.
For you, for today... Embrace Victoria. Dream of NYC. It's okay. You'll know in your heart where you're supposed to be tomorrow :)
I liked it too.
I hope you end up in NYC again one day.
The call to the city is something undeniably strong. It's that whole "make something of yourself" line of thinking, like you say, the Big Picture. Linking up to the hive-mind. That's definitely something that makes Edinburgh a million times better than Otterburne, as far as I'm concerned.
But like you, I struggle to explain to myself why I cannot find similar excitement in the smaller places of the world. And I agree that it just takes time -- building relationships in a community, and you can find happiness anywhere, I think. Potentially, anyway.
And isn't Victoria one of the biggest small towns in Canada??
p.s. I've noticed huge improvements in the area of grammar as I've been reading your work the past few years.
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