He shows up

Some days I feel like its a facade, like I am fraud and one day I will wake up and people will see. But then there are days he shows up and I know without a doubt its real - faith. That God is real, alive and well. There are many days when I feel like a bad Christian. Like I am failing Him, because I am afraid to share, afraid to stand up and be who I am in Him, because I don't read my Bible very often, or pray fervently for hours on end, or do everything I think he's telling me (because I am embarrassed or just don't want to) or there are the days in church I stand there, because I don't want to give my money, I don't want to walk in front of all those people and put my envelope into the bucket or when all I have is change and I am ashamed to give my pennies. But what is all that. Is there only one way to follow, to be His daughter? I wonder because I fall short so many times over, I am judgmental and shallow, lazy and I spend money I don't have on frivolous things, oh the list goes on...but at the end of the day, He shows up...he is there following me, loving me and holding me. And it is that simple and it is in the simple things too, the most precious things. Like the other day I picked up my Bible for the first time in weeks and there He was talking to me through His word. Then as I stepped off the bus in Chinatown NY last September, there He was telling me I was home and then there is Savina, my precious NY friend who gave me a home, trusted me and invited me to live in her house, in community with 4 other amazing woman. Looking further back I see the winter of 2007, when I had no food, no gas for my car, I could barley pay my rent but he provided. –Money showed up. He showed up. On these days when I feel lost, like He is so far away, I can close my eyes and breathe and remember its not a façade, its not a game, He is here and he will show up, He has, in all His miraculous ways. I just need to remember. We just need to remember.