a dreaming machine

I admit it, I am a dreamer. I dream up big projects and I change my dreams every five minutes. Three things have always stayed the same for me: NYC, Photography and loving/helping people (more often then not young people). In these big dreams I like to create, I sometimes am able to encompass all three loves, other times not. My latest dream, brings together all three, full circle. There is a long starting point, to get to the end point, but I feel like to get to the end (or the new beginning) there needs to be work, education, research. How can anything big, happen without prayer, faith, work, resources, time, understanding and patience? And, the best part is, I think I can reach my overall dream, all the while loving people along the way.

Sometimes...

...it's nice to be reminded of this...

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Matthew 4:6,7 NLT

Moments ago I was thinking about my debt, that has accumulated over the last year as I adventured to NYC, came home, all the awhile seeking employment - anywhere. I was thinking about ways to pay it off, being strong enough to pay it off instead of buying new shoes. I wondered if I can do it, and then I realized. This is something I can stop worrying about, that I can give to God. He wants it. So, it's my hope, that I can be strong enough, that I won't be swayed by pretty things.

my soundtrack

I was talking to my old pastor the other day and I was telling him, how when I walk through the tunnels underground from one train to another, I listen to my IPOD really loud and as I am walking I feel like I am in my own soundtrack. Everything feels abnormal, people are walking in a fast pace: muti-tasking (ipod, iphone, texting, talking etc.), and they are walking all sorts of directions and somehow nobody seems to run into one another. It's like this weird game and everyone knows the rules, everyone plays fair. Somehow we all get to the turnstile or the platform in one piece. As the music plays, I can be anyone, completely anonymous. It's a totally surreal experience.

After this conversation, Dave asked me what my soundtrack would be. Thrown off guard I came up with The Gilmore Girls, but today I was thinking about my favorite movie and why its my favorite movie. I think there is something so cool about being able to express yourself without words. To know and to connect with people and God in such an intense way. And I realized that perhaps photography is my soundtrack in the same way August has music. Perhaps it allows me to see, allows me to open up my heart in a more profound way.

He shows up

Some days I feel like its a facade, like I am fraud and one day I will wake up and people will see. But then there are days he shows up and I know without a doubt its real - faith. That God is real, alive and well. There are many days when I feel like a bad Christian. Like I am failing Him, because I am afraid to share, afraid to stand up and be who I am in Him, because I don't read my Bible very often, or pray fervently for hours on end, or do everything I think he's telling me (because I am embarrassed or just don't want to) or there are the days in church I stand there, because I don't want to give my money, I don't want to walk in front of all those people and put my envelope into the bucket or when all I have is change and I am ashamed to give my pennies. But what is all that. Is there only one way to follow, to be His daughter? I wonder because I fall short so many times over, I am judgmental and shallow, lazy and I spend money I don't have on frivolous things, oh the list goes on...but at the end of the day, He shows up...he is there following me, loving me and holding me. And it is that simple and it is in the simple things too, the most precious things. Like the other day I picked up my Bible for the first time in weeks and there He was talking to me through His word. Then as I stepped off the bus in Chinatown NY last September, there He was telling me I was home and then there is Savina, my precious NY friend who gave me a home, trusted me and invited me to live in her house, in community with 4 other amazing woman. Looking further back I see the winter of 2007, when I had no food, no gas for my car, I could barley pay my rent but he provided. –Money showed up. He showed up. On these days when I feel lost, like He is so far away, I can close my eyes and breathe and remember its not a façade, its not a game, He is here and he will show up, He has, in all His miraculous ways. I just need to remember. We just need to remember.

What does your church look like?

I keep thinking about NY and why I felt so content there and I have come to realize it is because of the community I found or I should say the community God led me to. The solid faith the woman I lived with possess, still astounds me.

I went to this amazing young adults service last night and the speaker kept asking us, "what does your church look like?" The response that came to mind was, my church looks like: Savina, and Marcella (two of my NY Housemates) and the commitment they made to come to harlem together and because of that commitment, God built a community and because of that community numerous lives have been changed - all because two girls got together and made a commitment to follow God. Because like my roommate Claire reminded me last night there is power in numbers. The Bible even tells us in Eccl. 4:9, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work" It is pretty amazing isn't it; to really look at how simple the big picture is. If only there were more Savina and Marcella's out there, letting God, instead of letting self.

So if my idea of church looks like their community, what is their community doing that many churches are not?

Instead of telling you what the church is not doing, I want to share what I learned from being in a community like theirs. I recently asked my roommate Claire what community looked like to her and her response was a place where we could find "Integrity" and to "Inspire" I also thought maybe a community is a place where we can be encouraged and be vulnerable. A community is where we come together in action and prayer. A place of unity and hope and a place where we shouldn't be afraid to ask questions and to be who we are. It's interesting now to think about tough questions, because four years ago I was struggling with questions about God and four years ago Claire was the first person I turned to, to ask the questions I was always afraid to ask. Now four years later, she is my roommate and I am still learning from her.

So I want to ask you, what the speaker at the church I went to asked us, "What does your church look like?"

sweet surrender

This year has turned into one of the most trying and growing times of my life. A time of surrendering I suppose. Last semester I did a project on Humility. One of my main themes was giving up pride. I never thought of myself as a prideful person, recently God showed me otherwise. I have been struggling financially for a few months and one of the hardest things in the world for me is to ask my parents (or anyone) for money. I feel like I am at the age where I should be able to do it myself, so I got a job thinking its no problem to work while in school. This mindset has become extremly problematic. I work too much, don't make enough money to pay my bills, am too tired and stressed to do homework. Sadly that is only part of my stressload. I am having a bit of a medical scare as of now and I am awaiting test results, hopefully I'll have some concrete answers when I go in for a follow up appointment on the fifth.
I went to doctor alone (stupidly) and I cried all the way home all that afternoon and more the next day. I can't remember the last last time I let myself cry to that degree. I cannot hold it in anymore. I have never had a reason to be worried about myself before. I've always been the strong one in my family. The one people came to. Or as my friends sometime refer "I am the Sunshine" Suddenly I find myself needing to reach out more than ever. I feel like God is trying to awaken me. To tell me to slow down and breathe. Don't let life pass by so fast I miss it. Don't shut people out. God is providing even when I dont take time for him. A few weeks ago when my cupboards were bare and mt gas tank was empty someone left a hundred dollars in my mailbox. Then today (I wondered after missing work all week if I could afford to take time out this weekend and relax) I was given yet another envelope from a separate anoynmous donor. God is really using people right now to help me and I am in awe of Him. Yesterday I finally gathered up the courage and swallowed my pride, before I was even able to ask my parents for money they offered to help me in any way they could. I sit here tonight and I want to cry not only cause I am scared, but because I am grateful. I am thankful. I am loved and I am not alone. Tonight I learned the powers in surrendering.

On another note it looks like my dreams of going to NY and becoming a professional photographer are about to come true. I have worked so long and hard to get to where I am today. In may I might be moving to NYC for an internship. God has been opening door after door for this venture and I pray that he keeps these doors open.

Thank you to everyone who is praying for me, loving me and helping through this year. I'm sorry for any burdens I may have layed but I am thankful you have been here. i know now I can't try and do everything by myself. I need to suck it up and reach out my hands to people. It is interesting to me that I am going through the story that I wrote on humility. Who knew when I wrote it, that it would come back to me in such a personal way. I thought I was creating this story to help others, in all reality it opened up my own eyes. This I'm sure is only through the work of Christ. I am forever greatful to all the people in my life who planted seeds and taught me about the love of Christ. I don't ever want to live my life for anyone else.