how has it been five years already...

Its hard to believe five years have past. I remember the last time I saw her, she had dropped me at the ferry and I was trying to wave goodbye but someone was in my way. I remembering being sad, that she didn't see my wave and annoyed at the stranger who unknowingly stole my moment. It was almost like I knew, in that moment, that it was really goodbye.

storage locker

my heart heavy, but ready
turning the handle of the rickety door
tugging it open allowing for
an intoxicating scent to come seeping through,

as it swings open all the way
I enter,
sights and smells bringing me back to remnants of my former life

climbing over the packed away memories and into others

sitting on my old bed frame leaned up against the wall
my feet positioned so I will not fall
tearing back the tape I broke open a musty box
picking up the photographs confined
glancing down at the family of four,
framed, smiling

funny how a photograph can be
freezing time, pieces of the past

Digging around, heaving unnecessary junk away
and holding to my heart memory inducing treasures
thinking of sweeter days
and bitter ones too

i glance out the door
thankful for a friend, innocent and chattering

the company is favoured

when remembering

wine glasses

those old wine glasses
sat empty collecting dust
so pretty on their stems
everywhere she went
she’d pack them up in paper
traveling so careful
waiting for the day
when she'd sit, sip her wine
just to remember
the excitement in your eyes

just the other day
one fell to the floor
and a tear escaped from inside her
the day never came

and she’s missing you today

I danced

I was thinking of my mom today. I think that if she were here today
she would say I danced. Maybe not in all I do, but in enough to make her proud.
I like that I can think that. I miss her...




Lyrics I Hope You Dance LeeAnn Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder, where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone)

daughter discovers

I lived an unusual teenage/early twenties existence. These years were spent caring for my mom, who was very sick most of my life. She died three and a half years ago and each day has been a learning experience. In all those years of caring, I never saw, that through my mom’s dependence on me, I had become dependant on her. I needed her as much as she needed me. So when she was gone I realized fast that I no longer had someone steady to call, somewhere to cry, to yell and to be, I no longer had that sense of home you find in a mother.

Slowly the masks of my life started to peel. I lived in her life for so long, doing what I thought was needed that I changed who I could be so I could live in the present. I always wondered,
“How could I ever leave her when the rest of the world has already abandoned her?” Even though I thought this, I knew I was capable of much more than the plans I had made. Even still, I always told people,
“ I love this town, I don’t understand why you can’t wait to get out” They couldn’t understand why I wanted to stay.
I know now, that I was just lying to myself to make staying easier. I love my hometown, but I needed to leave to grow, to find me. At home people know my story, they know the person I was but here in this new city I can start fresh grow into the woman I know I can become.

After years of giving to my mom I got tired, I decided I needed to do for me and I made plans to go away to school with the intention of coming home and caring for my mom. I left before the school year, for a summer of working at camp and three weeks later she died.

Maybe my staying around for so long kept her alive longer, maybe it didn’t. All I know is she gave up trying, her sickness took it toll on her. She was strong; she fought for her entire 49 years.

Now, I am healing, living in this great new city working to make my dreams come true. Even though I miss my mom more than words can say I am thankful for where I am today. I am coming to terms with the reality that God knows what He is doing in all this. It’s hard to fathom that I could only have one, this life or my mom. It’s brutal to say out loud but it is what it is, and maybe I will go back to live at home one day, but not until the timing is right.